Guest Post for Silent Woods by Ofelia Gränd
Ladies, gentlemen, and variations thereupon!
Do you wanna marry Harry? Are you longing for a new season of Beauty and the Geek? Are you counting the days to the next episode of the Bachelor? Or maybe you prefer Bachelor in Paradise? Why wait? I’m here today to kick-start the very first season of The Mythological Bachelor. So for all of you out there looking for Mr. Right, loosen up your fingers and prepare to start typing on your application.
Now, let me to introduce you to…The Neck!
This fabulous man has been single for over eight hundred years, he’s a brilliant musician, and has an inclination of spending his time in various states of undress. His favourite flower is the water lily, his favourite time of year is midsummer, he adores black cats, and is more than happy to teach his loved one how to play the violin.
When asked what he thought was most important in a partner, The Neck answered that it was the soul. He doesn’t care how old you are, or what your preferred gender pronoun is, as long as you are human he’s interested in getting to know you. He would like it if you were into music, but even if you aren’t he’ll make sure that you’ll dance until you drop, unless you prefer to take a break and go for a swim in the lake, that is.
But before you rush off to send me your application there are a few things you should know. The Neck does not have a home address, his kingdom is the fresh waters. Wherever there is a stream, a lake, or even just a woodland pond, The Neck is there. Be on the lookout for water lilies, he likes to decorate his realm with them—when he’s close by they’ll bloom.
You’re most likely to catch him at dusk, if you want to increase you chances of seeing him you should come on a Thursday, or better yet on Midsummer Eve. If you want to be absolutely certain of seeing this man you should go down to the river three Thursday nights in a row—on the third he is bound to show. It could be the last thing you’ll ever do, but I’m sure it would be worth it.
Another thing to bare in mind is that The Neck is slightly allergic to steel. So if you’re planning on surprising him with a day by the lake—your options are a bit limited since he has to be close to the water—you should make sure you aren’t bringing any scissors, knives, or safety pins.
To ensure you get on The Neck’s good side you should bring him a gift on your first date. As mentioned before he adores cats, but if you don’t want to give him one there’s always vodka and wet snuff. If you really want to make an impression I suggest you prick your finger and give this magnificent creature three drops of your blood.
Are you ready to meet the man of your dreams? Email me your application. I promise you’ll never look at another man once you’ve met The Neck.
Thank you for listening. I’m Ofelia Gränd, and don’t forget to send in your applications!
When Daniel’s husband Anders takes the family camping in the woods, Daniel can’t shake the feeling that something isn’t right.
He almost dismisses his fears as nothing more than his dislike of the great outdoors, but when the couple’s five-year-old son Axel goes missing, his worst fears are confirmed.
A search party reveals something more sinister than either man could ever have dreamed of encountering in the woods. Can they find Axel and save him before it’s too late?
The beauty of the melody was arresting. It was absolutely brilliant, and the sound became stronger, surer, for every passing moment. It was the most magnificent music I’d ever heard. It lulled me into a sense of safety—made me feel like I belonged out here in the wilderness. The captivating beauty of the peaceful lake in the yellow moonlight made me question why I ever would want to leave here.
Someone yelled, and then there was a splash. The splash, though not disturbing enough to dispel the soothing feeling, made me look toward the boat. The backup divers were struggling to get one of the dive tenders back up on the boat. The woman fought them. She didn’t want to leave the water, and why would she? He wanted her.
Ofelia Gränd is Swedish through and through. She lives in a small west coast town with her husband and their three children. She has absolutely no time to write, so, naturally, that’s what she wants to do. Have you ever tried to write something with one child in your lap and two more standing around wanting attention? Ofelia does all the time—try, that is.
She could give up her glamorous life as a stay-at-home mum, and go back to her work as a teacher. But why not take advantage of the situation when she’s living in a parental leave utopia? Enough about her being a parent, you think, and you’re quite right. Ofelia is a no-poo follower, a pescatarian who bakes her own bread and makes her own soap—now, you wished that we’d stuck to the children, don’t you?
If you still want to know more, you’ll find Ofelia here: